Sunday, August 24, 2014

the next chapter...

i can't believe it's been 20 days since my last post. life has been pretty busy. not busy where i am not taking the necessary time for myself. just busy as a lot of changes are taking place. my chapters are changing. the story is being written differently than i had planned.

have you ever looked at your life as a story?  as a book that only you can write.  lately, ok this past year has been a true eye opener to me.  I have made some changes that have rewritten my story.  it's ok to make the changes.  sometimes if you don't, you may get stuck in a chapter that is not healthy for you.  you may get stuck in a place that seems too familiar and that it's time to turn the page.

this year i took a look in the mirror.  i started not liking who i had become.  who i was changing into.  yet, it was ok.  it was comfortable and i could handle it.  at least that is what i thought.  i thought everything was fine.  i thought everything was O.K.  it wasn't, i noticed i put on my mask again and just stayed in a place that was "comfortable".  who was it comfortable for?  me?  my family?  my friends?  i thought so.  i thought all was well.  little did i know that a part of my story was ending.  apart of the life i had written was starting to fade and the pages weren't making sense.

this chapter of my life that i had known for 5 years was ending.  no re-do or trying to write a new path for this chapter, just ending.  how could this be happening?  how could this be HAPPENING?!  i thought all was well.  i had my eyes close to what i knew and forgot to look at each day anew.  then someone else wrote a chapter i wasn't paying attention too.  i feel as though i was blindsided by what was happening.  i feel like there were no answers to my questions.  i felt that it wasn't gong to change or i wasn't going to be able to rewrite the story. 

with that being said, i knew this chapter of my life was now over.  how could it be?  how could i not have noticed?  how could i have been so "blind" to what was right in front of me.  maybe sometimes when you are in love you don't want to see all the writing on the wall.  all the writing that could take it all away.  my heart now was shattered and it was tested, again.

i am not afraid, i am not ashamed and i am daily reminding's not all my fault.  how can it be?  i know nothing of to why it is ending.  when one person is willing to move forward to change the past and the other just wants to start over, there is no way to be on the same page.  the story, the chapter can not be written.  you have to take a closer look at what will be written now.  how will it end and what steps will be taken to close this chapter and start again.

i have finally accepted that this chapter is over.  that i can not change others and even though i would do whatever it took to keep the story going and alive, it takes two for this chapter to be written.

so how do i start this new chapter?  how do i pick up the pieces when the pages have now been ripped apart?  how do i begin to heal so i can write? 

just that... pick up a pen (or computer) and begin!

Monday, August 4, 2014

happiness & depression

"there is no difference between happiness and depression.  they both have the same process.  it is just the content that is not the same.  both will come and go.  the major difference between them is what we do with them.
we are always seeking happiness.  when we see it coming we say, "ah, come here, I see you.  stay with me always."  happiness laughs and says, "oh, she's seen me, I can leave now."  and it does. 
with depression, we see it coming, and we say: "go away, I don't want you.  not me."  and depression sighs and says, "here we go again, I'm going to have to get bigger and bigger for her to hear me and learn what I have to teach."  so it taps us on the shoulder and says. "over here, over here!" until it gets our attention.  then it leaves.
both happiness and depression have something to teach us.  both will come and go.  both will return.  it is our response and openness to learn from both that makes the difference".
"my happiness is a gift.  my depression is a gift.  both are like butterflies in my life."
~Anne Wilson Schaef
i am reading a meditation book and this was what i read the other day.  it hit me like a ton of bricks.  most of you know that i have struggled with depression all my life.  when i read this i realized how true the words were while i read them.  i have been making huge strides in my life this year.  one being that i would no longer be on antidepressants.  i can happily say...i am medication free!!!  my world has brought me so many happy times along with some trials and struggles.  what i have learned {and continue to learn} is i get to decide if i choose happiness or depression. 
i {choose} happiness!!!
photo credit: Teresa Collins

wishing you all much love, kindness and happiness always. 
may you choose each day to be happy. 
may you choose each day to find the peace you are longing for. 
may you choose each day joy through the hard times.
may you choose love over hate.
may you choose life over death.
may you choose kindness.
love and hugs,