Monday, July 25, 2011

be still and's worth it!

as i sit here with the house all quiet i feel at peace.  why?  this last weekend is just what i needed.  i spent the entire weekend with my loves, all of them.  tom, austin, trevor, dallin, haleigh and our dog levi.  i even had an added bonus.  my son, dallin brought along his girlfriend adeline.  my heart was so happy.  i was at such peace!  have you had the feeling?  it is truly calming. truly!  no internet, no rv, no grill.  just us in a trailer, tents and a microwave.  i will admit the first night was absolutely awful. i got only one hour of sleep.  it was so cold and i did not prepare enough in bringing blankets as the trailer is just that...a trailer.  it was so cold that even levi slept right next to me and we were both shivering all night long.  however...the morning was interesting as well as i had not fully planned all the supplies i would need to "make" the meals.  i think all in all we did well and the food wasn't too bad either.  what i loved about this trip is there was no tv, no internet, no video games and really no distractions.  it was us in the forest riding quads, playing games and making s'mores.  we had such a good time that it really made me look at what i DO have.  what i am so GRATEFUL for.  what i am TRULY thankful for as well.  i think until you go camping and don't have your basic necessities of life, that you realize what you have and how blessed you truly are. 

on sunday morning everyone was sleeping and levi really had to go so i got up and let him out.  it was so quiet and peaceful outside.  no one was riding yet and it was still outside.  i sat there listening,  TRULY listening.  i haven't done that in a long time.  i pulled out my phone and got caught up on some of my blogs i just adore reading and really started to think.  it's so funny how sometimes you feel all alone yet you are not.  one of my blogs i read was of my brave girl mikal's blog.  her name is pronounced micheal, you can read her blog {HERE} her blog is so honest, so real.  i think that is why i enjoy reading it so much.  she had blogged a couple of post about finding her authentic self and i just smiled.  i too have been on that journey.  i think we all are at times.  she quoted an author who i too admire, joan anderson.  i have one of her books that helped me through a very difficult time in my life, my divorce.  something so personal and difficult for so many people, yet such a huge learning experience in my life.  as i flipped through the pages of her book "a weekend to change your life" find your authentic self after a lifetime of being all things to all people, i truly started to live.  i only wish i had found this author and book earlier. 

i am NOT perfect.  i may NEVER be in this lifetime.  this life is a test.  this life is meant to have good times and bad times.  this life is ours to live how we choose.  it's not always the best to try and live for others.  this life is HARD.  this life is not always fair but we get to choose how we live it. 

as women {and sometimes men} we wear many hats.  we are mothers, daughters, friends, sister, aunt, business women, a taxi service, team mom, pta board member, church calling holder, maid, chef, personal assistant and the list could go on.  we often find ourselves questioning who we REALLY are.  what are roles are.  what is our purpose.  we wonder if the path we chose is the correct one.  if the mistakes me made were worth it.  if the life we are living is to it's fullest. 

so sunday morning after i caught up on my blog i used my phone to download the bible.  i sat in the forest, with a slight breeze in a lawn chair, pj's, glasses and all and started to read.  i read for two full hours.  at different times the birds would sing, the wind would pick up, the sun would peak through the clouds and my heart would start pounding.  i wondered what it would of been like back in those days.  would i have even survived?  i have so many questions.  i just don't truly understand it all. 

after reading i wondered if i will ever have all the answers to the many questions i have?  will i ever find the TRUE me that i am looking for?  will i ever understand this test that i am being given?  will i pass?  will i ever believe that i am good enough JUST THE WAY THAT I AM??  who am i trying to impress?  does it really matter?  will i be forgiven by those that i have hurt or done wrong too?  will i ever truly forgive myself?  will i ever be happy with just being ME

this life is a TEST.  to prepare for a test you must study and learn.  there isn't always a right or wrong, but you always have a choice.  what you take from this test and what you share with others IS important.  what you choose to do IS your decision, not anyone else's.  we are all still learning.  we are all still trying to figure out who we are and what we want from this life.  some just take longer than others to figure it out.  then when you do, life gives you another test. 

what i am learning from this is, that i am NOT alone.  that i AM a good person.  that i will be learning until the day god brings me home.  that i need to start being ok with me because what others think of me isn't any of my business.  this is a process, we take one step forward and sometimes we fall backwards.  as long as we get up, dust ourselves off, put a smile on our faces and start over we ARE doing our best.  sometimes it's just a little harder. 

i am grateful for all these life lessons.  i am blessed to know that i am special.  that i am worth it.  that i AM ENOUGH.  no matter what others may say or think about my friend are soooo worth it too!  remember that you are not alone.  that some days you may stumble and feel hopeless.  you may feel that this life is not worth it.  i hope you will find that special place in your heart that allows you to find peace and pray for guidance.  you are so special just as you are.  this life isn't easy but it is sooooo worth it!!!


1 comment:

Mikal said...

Ah, I just adore you! Thank you for the kind words. I'm always so thankful to read your words from the heart too.

After you wrote me, I order Joan's two other books... the one you recommended, and another one that Patrice told me about. I can't wait to read them. Her words spoke to my soul, and I am so grateful for that.

So happy and so blessed to call you friend!