Monday, June 13, 2011

today is four weeks.
28 days.
27 nights.
4 weekends.
4 mondays.
672 hours.

some of you may have noticed that I am no longer on facebook. many of you are just now finding out.

addiction: [uh-dik-shuh n]
–noun
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.


i can honestly say i have been addicted to soap operas and soda. then again, I did break those habits.
what i didn't realize was how ADDICTED i was to facebook.
it truly consumed many hours of my day.
many hours of my life.
i WAS a facebook addict.

i signed up for facebook mainly for my family that is all over the united states and in a war zone. then my children signed up and i wanted to keep an eye on them. it also made me feel "in touch" with all of my "friends".

what i slowly saw was that the addiction was slowly killing me.  i know that may sound harsh but that is how i feel.  i felt as what i was reading was "life".  that the only way i could possibly feel like i was a friend to my many "friends" was to constantly post on their page or on their status.  to make sure i stopped in just to say "hi".  to make sure i was "up" with all of the happening.  i. knew. EVERYTHING.

so i thought.

i soon came to realize how facebook was killing me.
how i longed morning, afternoon and night for it.
how if i didn't "check" up on everyone i would be failing as a friend.
if i didn't let all of you in that you wouldn't care for me.
if i wasn't seeing what you were doing, where you were going and when you would be back i was useless.

then the depression kicked in.
the guilt.
the loneliness.
the sadness.
the anger.
the days and nights of tears.

WHAT ON EARTH WAS I DOING???

WHY DO I NEED FACEBOOK TO TELL ME I AM OK?

WAS I ONLY LIVING BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK?

WERE MY ONLY FRIENDS THE ONES ON FACEBOOK?

DID I LOOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK?

DID I GET HURT OR HURT OTHERS BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK?

DID MY FAMILY HURT OTHERS OR GET HURT BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK?

i started to really think of these questions.  i FINALLY started to see my life as i knew it.  i kinda started to "feel".  i was tired of constantly crying.

i realized that ALL those hundreds of friends on facebook were really NOT my friends.  that this social networking was NOT what i wanted or needed in my life.  that i WASN'T strong enough to not allow what was being posted to affect my life.

hi, i am connie jo capron and i am addicted to facebook.
on may 16, 2011 i deleted my account.

why am i sharing this you may ask?  many of reasons i guess.
to allow myself to cry.
to allow myself to hurt.
to allow myself to understand.
to allow myself to know i was not alone.
to allow myself some peace in my life.
to allow myself to find my "true" friends.
to allow myself time to figure out what is most important in life.
to allow myself to breathe.

i struggle with "true" friendships. 
i struggle with validation of my time, talent and myself. 
i struggle to be liked. 
i struggle to "fit" in. 
i struggle with asking.
i struggle with feeling loved and wanted.
i struggle with life.

these last 28 days have been very hard for me.  i have been learning.  i have been slowly taking time to listen but i know i am not there yet.  i am not sure when or if i will return to the facebook world.  i think for me, my family and my life...it is too hurtful. 

i am working on becoming the me that i need to be. 
that me i want to be. 
the one me...
connie jo capron.


miss invisible
There's a girl
That sits under the bleachers
Just another day eating alone
And though she smiles there is something she's hiding
And she cant find a way to relate
But just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she'll pretend to be busy, when inside she just wants to cry
and she'll say...

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer, I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look at the face of  Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer and maybe then you will see why she waits for the day
When you'll ask her her name

The beginning, in the first weeks of class
She did everything to try and fit in
But the others they couldn't seem to get past all the things that mismatched on the surface
And she will close her eyes when they left her she fell down the stairs
And the more that they joked
And the more that they screamed
She retreated to what she is now
And she'll sing...

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer and  maybe then you will see why she waits for the day when you´ll ask her her name 

Then one day just the same as the last
Just a day spent counting the time
Came a boy that sat under the bleachers just a little bit further behind...
~ marie digby

"for it is surely a lifetime work, this learning to be a women."
 ~ may sarton

4 comments:

Jill said...

Wow! Thanks for a beautiful and honest post, Connie. I too have struggled with FB and what it does to my days. I took up Melody's challenge and have been FB-free for a few weeks now. Honestly don't miss it. Realize that it was real, honest human interaction that I was searching for in the wrong place. Hang in there, lovely girl. You are such a gem!

Mikal said...

Hi sweet girl,

First let me say that I hope (and will pray) that all your friends and family are safe with the fires. My daughter's sweetie may be coming over to help, and I cringe at the thought of him being on fire lines!

I so appreciate you sharing your heart and feelings about facebook. I have similar feelings, and have removed some people, not accepted others. I feel bad, and I definitely dislike that I'm having the negative emotions like this about a social network. I may need to completely pull the plug myself, but it's hard because I really enjoy being able to communicate so quickly with my kids and family.

Hugs and joy for you,

Mikal

Kristan Paolacci said...

Proud of you my friend - that is a HUGE step and you did it !!! I have found that I need to put myself on a restrictive facebook diet. basically check up on my kids walls and what is being posted, maybe post a positive thought and get off. I love you Connie Jo Capron and the girl you are !!!

Laurie Higbee said...

I love reading your blog because a lot of the time you are saying what I am feeling. So glad you're my friend!