Tuesday, January 22, 2008

extra long...

this will not be my so called "normal" blog post. if there is such a thing. i was told today by some i can confide in that i am good at hiding...made me think. then it was said i smile a lot...again it made me think. then it was...you are good at hiding behind that smile to not allow people to know you. this is true. i am admitting it here...that my life as i have thought to have known all these years is not true. i guess until you can admit there is a problem...you can't try and correct it. i am now admitting i have a problem. why share this intimate detail with you all out in blog land. {here i go again thinking of others before myself} if i can acknowledge this, i might just help someone else out there too. i am not perfect by an sense of the word. many of us women (some men) have learned how to live for others. have become someone we really don't know. sometimes we might ask ourselves... where did we go, who are we, are we having a nervous breakdown, midlife crisis? the answer...we probably haven't taken the TIME to figure out "who" we are. we haven't created our self. why is it that we put ourselves last? have we been taught that? have we watched our mothers and grandmothers many years back do it? so many questions to ask and many to think about as well. why do we allow ourselves to get so caught up in our day to day things that we DON'T take TIME for ourselves? i mean, true time... to read {in silence}, go to the bathroom uninterrupted {like this even happens}, meditate{what the heck is that}, a walk {that would mean exercise}, a hobby{would that be scrapbooking a deck of me cards right now}, some form of retreat{who has time} or whatever it may be. why is it that there is no time? there is 24 hours in a day and we can't take 5, 10, 30 or 60 minutes in a day for ourselves. i am learning this after 35+ years that i have followed in my mother's foot steps, my grandmothers and so on. not to say that it is wrong to do so. it is just that we don't come first...our children, our families, our friends and sometimes even strangers have come before ourselves. i know i may not be making sense to many out there but, i do know that you are out there. that i am not the only one trying to figure out "who" i am. i am taking this time right now to have this in writing. to go back and re-read my writing. i need to realize i do not present myself in the manner i want to be known. that i am not always that happy, bubbly person everyone thinks i am. that i too have a story. that i to have faults and make mistakes. that i do not live a perfect life. nor will i ever live one. i will not share my entire story with many of you but, all i can do is let you know that today...i realized that i need to be me and not someone that everyone else wants me to be. the time is NOW...no time like the present i always hear. i want to start living the life i am meant to truly live.

i proceeded to get a special message on my blog to go to dianna's blog. dianna, i can not tell you how much i needed that. i needed that right then, right when i read it and right now. i have not meet you. i only know you through our blogs and emails yet i know you. we have joked about being related and you know what...we are. we are sisters and friends that share the same God. we may have known each other in another life but, today i knew why God sent me too you. it is amaZing and i am blessed. thank you for this challenge, thank you for being my friend and thank you for allowing me to know you and by doing so...i am finding mE!!! i am sharing the spread the love award to all those who may stumble across this blog. though you may or may not know me. i know i am loved and you too are loved by many. you just need to open your eyes and look around. they are there and some you may not even realize that have been there all along just patiently waiting.
the songs i posted... i can see my mom saying these words to me daily that reba sings. the other songs i wanted to find and couldn't is the song by reba...is there life out there and dolly parton's...you better get to livin'. how many of us mom's are thinking these words right now. i know i am!! i do know that one day i will be able to say with a TRUE smile on my face... it's my life and i started living it! think i am running out of time so...i am smiling...i better get to livin'!! {i love you mommy} *night*


Dianna said...

Thank you Connie...you aren't supposed to get me all teary lady, jeez*!*

We're going to get our groove back~I know a lot of the Dames (expressed in their cards and on their blogs)all are wanting that very same thing. We're gonna do it together sista friend!

You rock girl...don't forget it*!*

Wendy said...

well.... you seem to be spreading the tears ha. There is no doubt along with myself that feel the same way you do. I can totally hear your mom saying those things by the way. :0) I hope you get to where you want to be and I hope for the rest of us too. love ya tons! ur sis wendylu

Tammy said...

I can feel your emotions in that and it is so strong. You need to find who you are and what is important to you. Keep working on it because even when you think you've found it you may take a break from yourself again and forget! That's why I love taking a shower, brings back a little of me!

leigh ann said...

where have you been--i hope all is going well!! i miss reading your insightful thoughts.

Leigh ann